My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
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Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I am a gravy boat captain
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I think the cat got the dog high.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase