[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
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I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
#ProTip
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds