why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
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Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
be careful
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
never forget
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes