Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
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Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
i think we should see other cousins
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.