I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
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*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
my first dose meeting my second
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.