ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
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Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”