doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
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I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
This is painfully accurate 😅
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.