Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
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Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
He’s cranky this morning
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Finally!
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Vodka burrito was a success
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.