“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
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My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Me after 1 airport cocktail: