[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
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This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.