idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
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witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I feel seen
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”