{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
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SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot