My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 馃槀馃ぃ
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*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan鈥檚 agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I鈥檓 an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we鈥檙e texting
Him: I heard it
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
me [putting sons toy together] I don鈥檛 think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it鈥檚 not supposed to be on fire like that
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
a鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥 (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident