5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
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Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.