Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
You Might Also Like
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.