If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
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“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!