Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
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Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.