You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
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Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.