her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
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I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.