[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
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My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….