accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
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BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
A bold strategy
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?