Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
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This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.