Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
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serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*