one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
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Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’