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Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no