And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
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I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
…u ok Nintendo?
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Discuss
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.