I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
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I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.