[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
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I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
*seductively eats two tums*
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.