Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Wise advice
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.