if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
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My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
#parenting
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.