Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
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Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Me trying to walk in a dream
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.