If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
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god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.