Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
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🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
The best shot in the history of golf
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”