Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
You Might Also Like
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
time for some seasonal decor
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.