A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
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ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.