The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
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A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon