I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
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No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.