Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
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ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.