Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
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If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.