No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
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My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
can’t wait til they legalize outside
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
courtroom exchange of the day
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”