[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
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*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”