My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
You Might Also Like
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
time machine? you mean a clock?
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
reminder
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.