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If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
get you a girl who
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding