Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
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You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes