I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
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ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
That’s not how days work.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW