Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
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Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
If you are reading this then you are reading this
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Look at this
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.