are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
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Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
me
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.