He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
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[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
The French word for sex is croissant.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.