Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
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God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
12653.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!