Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
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Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
the clam before the storm
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you